RP Begins at Home

​They say failure is just success waiting to happen. If that's the case then I should be able to count myself as quite the successful individual, given the amount of failure and mistakes I've made in my career and in my life up to now. Some stand out more than others. Some have an element (or more than an element) of pain, or even Shame, attached. There's a good reason though why pain and shame are negative emotions, i.e. they motivate people to improve, or at the very least not to repeat those mistakes. But I have made some doozies. I remember an OTT reaction once to a young person who was playing the TV at or near top volume in a residential center. It became a pure control battle and I basically couldn't think of anything other that repeatedly turning it off in front of everyone - he went upstairs soon after and proceeded to start self-harming. I am not judging him or me here, just stating the facts. Another one that stands out was way back in my late teens. There was a housemate in college, who gradually got more and more on my nerves, until the day I did a Mt. Vesuvius on it. It was "picture no sound" between us thereafter for the rest of the term. Slightly awkward but again, no judgement - you do the best you can at the time with the skills you have, and that was my best at the time. Closer to present day (well 10 years ago now) I had a falling out with the builder of my house nearing the end of the project. I literally had to put up the last ten rows of blocks on our chimney breast - fortunately it (the chimney) has stood the test of time better than my relationship with the builder. I'll stop now on the mistakes front lest I give people the wrong impression of me. These were, thankfully, rare enough examples. What has all this got to do with RP though?

Well obviously, RP can be used for conflict resolution. But, in all the above cases, the common theme was either knee jerk reactions by me (TV example) or a gradual build up in tensions that went unaddressed (flat "mate" and self build examples). Either way the first step should have been within me, hence the title of this blog - RP "begins at home". The minute your focus strays, and then stays, on the other person, then you are on a slippery slope. Reason starts to diminish, perspective goes out of focus and empathy becomes nearly impossible. None of this is to suggest that you should ever accept, or tolerate on an ongoing basis the bad behaviour of others. It is merely to point out that, ideally, we are better served responding rather than reacting to events. If you are just reacting instinctively, then you are liable to end up like I have from time to time. Perhaps you have found yourself in a similar situation once or twice yourself?

How do you do start to practice RP "at home" though? Well, I wish I could say there is a simple and easy answer. The truth is as follows. The answer is simple, but unfortunately far from easy. It takes time and practice (like pretty much everything else in life). The good news is, when you start to master this, it becomes almost automatic and reduces stress for you and people around you. So what does this actually look like? I'll boil it down to three steps:

1. Ask yourself an important question (and then another one or two)
2. Ask the other person the same questions 
3 And this is important, don't wait for trouble to do this.  Do it everyday AND do it for positive reinforcement too

1. Daniel Siegel says of strong emotions, "name it to tame it". When you name an emotion, either internally or out loud, you actually reduce its intensity. This happens because you are literally connecting the older (instinctive) parts of the brain with the newer (thinking) parts. So ask yourself, what is actually happening here? what am I thinking/feeling? and what do I need right now? (You should have seen these questions once or twice before). This probably seems like a lot of questions to be asking yourself, especially if you're not used to it. Bu again, with practice (there's no escaping the practice part I tell you), you'll be doing it within a second or two.
2. Then, once you've taken the edge off your own emotions, ask the same questions of the other person - the beauty here is you don't even need to learn off different questions. You actually have two further options at this point. Firstly, if the person is at a level where they can't hear you, you can stand back and ask those questions of them in YOUR head, i.e. guess what might be going on for them but do it in your own head. This is the path to empathy. They may not be able to talk right now but that doesn't mean you can't go to work for them. If they are able to talk, or after you've taken a time out, then ask them the questions straight out. Get their story and their suggestions. It doesn't mean you are necessarily agreeing with them. You're just listening to them. And, guess what? This helps them to reduce the intensity of their emotions. Your central nervous system communicates directly and unconsciously with that of other people through mirrors neurons, i.e. when you are calmer, you can actually help the other person be calmer. When you talk more slowly, they are more likely to talk slower, etc. But none of this is any good if we don't engage our own brain and thinking first. Try it out. Play with it. After all I'm guessing you don't want to run the risk of uncontrolled conflict. You may end up with an unwanted building project on your hands, or worse!
3. Finally, don't wait for conflict to happen. Catch things when they're small and catch the good stuff too. Maureen Gafney says we need 5 times as many positive interactions as negative for a relationship to flourish. That's 5:1 and it's backed up by research. We know this already. Mol an oige agus tiocfaidh si. Get out the google translate if you don't know that one!

That's Restorative Practice 

Author

​My name is Joe Power and I am the RP development officer for Limerick. I thought I would write about my experiences in developing my own understanding of RP, as well as in trying to spread it across Limerick. The reason for this is that I find that both my own and other people's experiences are remarkably similar and there could well be some opportunity for others to benefit from these thoughts (or ramblings!!). Anyway I hope you gain something from it.

I am available to come to any school/youth club/organisation to talk about RP, demonstrate Restorative Circles or give advice on how you too can implement some of the practices. Also please e-mail any thoughts/comments/stories you might have to me at respracdevoff@gmail.com. Thank you.