We Need to Talk about... Male Violence against Women

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”

There are no words to adequately summarise the unspeakable horror of what happened to Ashling Murphy this week. It is heartbreaking and senseless, and horrific and frightening. As a nation we are in shock and looking for answers. Everyone is struggling to comprehend, yet equally determined it seems that something be done to ensure this stops. I am struggling too and part of me worries about even adding to the commentary or writing an article such as this but, if not now, when? What is the point of restorative practice if it doesn't provide some hope and some direction and potential answers to real events. In a way it feels to me like our society's George Flyod moment. Not to dismiss for a second the other awful attacks and murders carried out by men on women, but rather to suggest that now we may have reached that proverbial tipping point, where we are propelled into collective action.

These thoughts are the initial response to this horrendous attack, and also to some of the ensuing debates. I have no doubt about everyone's genuine determination here. We are all on the one team. We all want justice and we all want to know that attacks like these, by men on women, will stop. Of course we will inevitably differ on what we think is best. This article is not to judge or disrespect anyone else's views. I just wish to articulate what I regard a restorative way might look like, and to provide some clarity or ideas to those searching for clarity or ideas right now. 

"It's not all men"
I must start here, as it seems almost like a reflex action for some men, and causes such additional distress. (Let me be clear what follows is on the theme of the difference between excuses and reasons. For the record there is no excuse for this response but there are reasons in my opinion). The main reason, as I see it, for a response like this is some men's inability to respond. It is not easy for men to hear about attacks and murders like this, to face the fact that as a gender we have perpetrated the overwhelming majority of violence on women and often ingnored or condoned it along the way. It is not easy to be called out on this now and to be asked to do something about it, to bear witness to women's (justifiable) anger and realise we have not done enough. It is not easy to face our collective shame (for that is what it really is, shame). But that is what we men now need to do. That is the work ahead of us. The temptation may be to avoid, distract, or get angry back in the face of shame, hence "not all men". That's what that response means when I hear it. I take an optimistic view of human nature. We men do want to listen and help, but in some cases (ok, a lot of cases) I'm convinced we let our shame stop us. We men need to support each other to understand this and to then start doing the right thing, to speak up and speak out. If we can do that, recognising and overcoming our shame along the way, then we can begin to play our role more fully. Men who can, please help with this. Talk to your friends, sons, brothers. Disrupt the status quo. It may seem like a small step on its own but many little drops of water make the ocean. If it's too much in the moment, talk to someone else who can assist you in this. Recruit an ally. Don't just ignore. Also, if it's not too much to ask of those women who can, I would ask you to also assist us to support you too. This may seem unfair (ideally we men would all be doing this already) but this will ultimately help you and us all. I have been guilty in the past of not listening to various issues, looking for excuses and minimisations, of fighting back to cover my own shame. I am better now, thanks to my learning and the support of others. I still have more work to do though. Let that journey start for more men now. Again I say to men "It's not all men" says to women "we're not listening", even if deep down we are in agreement. We can do a lot better. Women need to be reassured we're listening. So, as a starting point please just listen to what women have to say. Nothing else. Stop. Stand. Shut up. And listen. You're not immediately expected to solve this. You're not being personally blamed for the other attacks and murders of other men. Women are angry right now and they need to be heard. And again to those women who can, perhaps help more men to understand what they are being asked to do right now? We do want to help, I am sure of it.

Possible actions
It may seem trite or hollow in the circumstances suggesting actions such as these. Oh, that it was possible to turn the clock back far enough to make the changes necessary to disrupt the chain of events that lead to Wednesday afternoon. But sadly nothing can do that for Ashling. My aim here is to think of the boys (for they are boys) being born today and the young boys and teenagers growing up today, where we can lead whatever influence we have into preventing future horrors. No amount of maximum sentencing will do this on its own. It'll be too late if/when it happens again. We want to prevent horrors such as this. This is a time for "both-and" thinking. Let's have whatever prison sentences we need. But let's also have:

• training of emotions for our boys in our schools, our sports clubs, our communities. When we "name it, we tame it". I only had 4 emotions up to the age of 26 (mad, sad, glad, bad). You won't get far in life with only 4 emotions. Let's teach our boys about emotions, it'll benefit everyone. Let's teach people about shame in particular.
• forums where we can come together to talk about and process tragedies such as Wednesday, their impact on us and what we can do to support ourselves and each other. At times like this we need each other.
• better relationships in our communities, where we are facilitated to hear more from each other. Let boys and girls from same-sex schools be introduced to each other. Let them see what they have in common. Let people from different communities and social groups be introduced to each other. Let them see what they have in common.
• better handling of conflict, done in a way that upholds both justice and accountability and people's dignity and that doesn't envelop people in a sense of shame.
• a determination to move "upstream", to recognise that for some men it may be too late (hopefully not too many), but for the future generations of boys there is a "blank canvass" where we can make a wonderful impression if we all work together

Again, this may seem too easy. It may seem wishful or pollyanna thinking. It may seem like a far and distant utopia. But this is not a million miles from what we used to be like. It still happens in some communities. It's what's possible here too if enough of us do enough of what's needed for long enough. 

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”

If anyone wishes to respond or contact me, I am happy to talk and collaborate and help in some way. Restorative Practice can play its part.